Writers Strike Out

Man, I am LOVING this TV and screenwriters strike. It's made a longtime fantasy come to fruition: I get to walk down to Rockefeller Center and lob eggs at Tina Fey; a challenge, as she's small, quick and wiley.

I might be stating the obvious, but the writers are all on crack. The strike's a waste of time. The networks won't fold. Unlike back in 1988, now they're all owned by huge got-more-money-than-Warren-Buffet-Bill-Gates-and-GOD corporations now, e.g. GE = NBC, Disney = ABC, Westinghouse = CBS, Viacom and Time Warner Cable = everything else... I would hurt GE more if the Microwave Door Installers Union walked out than a bunch of nerds who are probably wondering how the hell are they going to turn their cardboard picket signs into bongs when all the brouhaha settles.

And what are you going to miss, ? Jay Leno? Heroes? The Daily Show? As they said in Goodfellas, "Fuck 'em inda ear." Heroes has turned into such a lousy dried up piece of crap even flies would avoid it. Leno I couldn't care less about and Jon Stewart? If his material is any indication he's been without comedy writers for the last five years. Write up an insightful thought or two Mr. Stewart, something pertinent to the times, something with an edge and THEN you might find an audience...

It's like I was saying to my co-worker Lenny back at the lime quarry: Hollywood sucks blue wombats. There hasn't been a quality program on since Cop Rock (and where's the Cop Rock DVD boxed set? I think I've been patient enough.) with the shining exception of Meerkat Manor.

Maybe the meerkats can fill in as scabs. I mean, they war with each other, they stink to high heaven, and they piss on everything, including each other. Add a degree from Harvard and a solid methadone dependency and voila! you have yourself a network television writer. Do you think they know Microsoft Word? Can they type without thumbs or would they write dialogue with meerkat pee in the sand?

Greedy greedy greedy. It's all about money, about those horrible people wanting to be paid for their "work". Listen up Shakespeare wannabees, produce something of value first and then we'll talk. First get some company to give you $250 for a thirty second advertising spot and then you might be able to negotiate.

And what about the executives? The poor, poor television executives (or "suits" in street jive) whom these nasty "artists" want to take the bread out of their defenseless, pitiful, moisturized claws. How would Tina Fey like to sit down and...explain...to a CBS Vice President's child that Daddy can't afford a third solid gold XBOX 360? I can see the tears welling up in their little blue, blind eyes (ironically, too much TV) as Tina holds them, pressed to the breast until their muffled sobs subside, their salty, bitter, bitter tears staining her burlap blouse.

Yeah Tina. Good job there. Way. To. Go.

They want to strike I say let them strike. They couldn't have picked a better time, right? Nothing like a WINTER picket line. The first sign of hoarfrost and I say they'll be out of there with nothing left on the steps of Rockefeller Center but some empty Starbucks cups, a rhyming dictionary, and Tina Fey and Stephen Colbert trading bong hits, spilling brackish THC laden water on their sandaled feet because the Brainiac Twins forgot to take the actual sign off the cardboard tube and it keeps knocking on their chapped, raw, wind burnt knees.

Go back to work guys. Those Cop Rock DVD extras don't write themselves, you know.